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Jordan Heron - The Vanity Card Series

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Hmmmm, what to rant about... Inappropriate gay protests or animal rights freaks? Oh, choices, choices, choices... Perhaps I'll spend a few extra minutes and do both.

If you haven't heard, Pedro and Buddy are a pair of "socially pair-bonded" peguins. This is not exceptional for penguins. However, it is a media event, because both penguins are male. And the zoo wants to separate the two for the breeding season, so they can spend some time with females of their species. The idea being that endangered species should be given a helping hand in the procreation business. Though not literally, a helping hand. So far as I know.

Let's start with the inappropriate gay protests...

What is gay? We often categorize this as "sexual orientation" or even "sexual preference". This, to a simple mind like mine, implies sex. What if you don't have sex? Do virgins have a sexual orientation? I mean, we don't ask for peoples' "social orientation". After all, that would define all the girls that hang out together as lesbians, and define all the gay guys that hang out with them to take about shoes as heterosexual. And let's not assume that the guys drinking beer together in the biker bar are gay, just because they like drinking with the guys. So, it's not who you hang with that makes you gay. (Oh, there's an unpleasant visual...) It's who you have sex with. Or, for virgins or celebates or lonely people, who you would have sex with if you had half a chance. And one of the two afore-mentioned penguins (Buddy or Pedro, I forget which) had a female partner, and did breed, until that female died. Hence a (presumed) mourning period, followed by hanging out with the bachelor dudes afterwards and finding friendship (with Pedro or Buddy, I forget which).

The penguins are not gay. According to the zookeeper, there is no sexual activity between Buddy and Pedro. At least, not that he's noticed. And I assume he'd notice that kind of thing, especially when the main point of keeping these captive creatures is to breed them, and that involves sex.

So I would like all the gay activists that I've heard in the media to stop with making this a "symbolic fight" to allow to gay penguins to lead the alternative lifestyle that they prefer. They are not gay. There may be gay penguins - I don't know - but these are not them.

And on to the animal rights protests...

Three things.

One) They're an endangered species. They need to breed. In a gene pool this small, every sperm is sacred. Well, maybe not every sperm, but every DNA combination certainly is. For the good of their species.

Two) The zoo is only separating them for the breeding season, which is quite short for penguins. After that, Buddy and Pedro can go back to drinking with the guys, while the women do women's work. That is, having the babies. (Not meaning to make a political-social statement here; just a biological one.)

Three) They're frigging animals! The rights they have enshrined in (human) law don't extend to "I get to hang out with whomever I want." They don't get to yell "You're not my real Mom - I don't have to listen to you!" We house them, feed them, clothe them and they have to listen to us. (Ok, maybe not clothe them.) If someone offered me free room and board to hang out by the pool, and payment was occassionally having sex with a female of my species, I'd jump at it. Literally.

So, enough of the global protestations of support for the penguins. Let the zoo do what the zoo needs to do, and let's get on with a more important protest.

I say we get all the "Occupy" protesters and force them to have sex with Republicans...

09 November 2011 AD
09 November 51 JHE

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