#002 - I'M NOT DEAD YET...
Granted, Dianne was older than I, by some 14 years. But still not old enough to die in her sleep. Assuming that there is ever such an age where that is acceptable.
It was tough. Tougher than I could have imagined, given that we rarely saw each other, we traded only very sporadic email. It's not that there was enmity. We'd just moved on. Quite some time ago. So it was worse than I could have imagined. A void in life where there was previously no notice whatsovever. Doesn't make sense.
Anyway, that's not the point of this rambling. The point is, I stopped and looked around at my life.
I realized that if I died now, that would be ok.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not going any time soon, if I can help it. I may be staring 50 in the face, but I don't feel it. I feel young. Well, I don't really feel young. There are days that I feel old - but I don't actually feel like an adult yet. I feel that I'm just getting started here. If faced with illness, I would fight like hell to recover. If faced with violence, I'll fight to live. There's too much left to do to give up. But, when it comes down to it, if I haven't got a chance, I can die.
I'm not a huge business success. At 49, I still live paycheque to paycheque, with not enough money put away to retire in the foreseeable future. But I've never been homeless, and I've never been hungry. I've always had a place to sleep, and food in the cupboard.
I'm not a huge family success. I don't feel I've done enough as a father, but I have a daughter, Trista, who's love I do not question. And, I know, she would never question my love for her. And, though I don't know him well enough yet, I have a 5 year old grandson, Logan.
I'm not a huge success as a partner. I've had two legal divorces, and a few other failed relationships. I'm hard to get along with, and I argue a lot. But I have a partner, Stephanie, who knows that I am devoted to her, even if I often fail in my attempts to show it.
I've led an interesting life. I haven't won the Nobel prize, or published a book, or toured with a band. But I've recreated the world of the joust (yes, with horses, armour and lances) and competed in six countries on four continents. I have a lot of acquaintances, and a few real friends, all over the planet.
In short, I'm satisfied. I haven't done all I want, but I've done enough. If I die later today, I can say "Well, that sure was a lot of fun. Can we go again?"
So look around. And if you can't say the same thing, if you aren't satisfied with what you've done, you've got two choices.
First, change your expectations. Become happy with what you are and what you've done.
Or, second, get your lazy ass out there and do what you need to do.
19 August 2009